"A Tail of Kindness"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum

Just telling someone what he just should or just shouldn’t do will usually not be effective. Even so, at times just a short remark just might work. But don’t count on it.

When someone feels overwhelmed, telling him a brief "just" remark will usually be insufficient. When someone is furious at another person, telling him, "Just calm down," usually won’t have a major effect on his emotional state. If someone is addicted to some substance or a bad habit, telling him, "Just don’t give into it," and expecting it to work like magic is usually a bit naïve. When someone is consistently lazy and lacks motivation to take action, saying anything in the "Just" family is not likely to transform him into a proactive, energetic, dynamo.

"Just" sentences imply that it’s easy. They imply that the person knows exactly what to do and all he has to do is make a slight effort to apply what he knows. ‘Just’ sentences don’t take the person’s subjective feelings and emotions into account. Many people have great intentions of creating positive habits and overcoming negative ones, yet they find it extremely difficult to make actual changes.

When you say a sentence beginning with "just," you are likely to be giving a message that you lack the patience and persistence to keep on helping this person until the problem is resolved. The solution might actually be easier than this person thinks, but you are likely to lose rapport if the person you try to help doesn’t feel that you truly understand the underlying feelings and difficulties.

It’s tempting to try to get by with a "just" sentence because it’s a lot easier than trying to develop a personalized program that will be effective for the person you are trying to help. But knowing what won’t work is beneficial. For then you will continue your search for a viable plan.

My students related these stories to me:

When I feel stuck and share my feelings with those whom I feel might help me, I hate it when they tell me pat answers. The content of these statements shows me that the speaker is well-intentioned, but doesn’t have a clue about what I really need. If a person doesn’t know what to say, I’d appreciate his listening so he can understand and then say sincerely, "I’m sorry you’re having a rough time."

When other people had difficulties with habits and patterns that I had mastered I used to tell them, "Just do this," or "Just don’t do that." But with experience I’ve learned not to say this to most people. I now say, "I see how much this is weighing on you. I’d love to be able to help you. I’ll keep thinking about it. I realize that it isn’t easy. Perhaps you might experiment with this approach…"