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Don’t Blame People For Not
Following Your Suggestions
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
I used to try hard to help people - then I had an insight. I was trying to help in order to boost my own ego as the 'helper'.
Now I tend more toward letting people tell me what they need - and trying to respond in a way that will empower THEM, not ME.
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Don’t Blame People For Not Following Your Suggestions
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
One of my students told me:
I give wonderful advice to people in many different areas. I tell people who have financial difficulties what they can do to increase their incomes, yet they don’t do a thing I tell them to do. I tell people how to increase their level of happiness, and they don’t try the exercises I suggest. I tell them how to better get along with other people, and they stupidly repeat their old patterns even though they don’t work well. I want to help, but most people are resistant to change. When I tell them it’s their own fault, they just become angry at me and don’t take the responsibility themselves to improve their lives.
When you try to help others and they don’t listen to you, you have a choice. You can blame them for not being more open. "They are resistant and it’s impossible to help them." Or, you can view the situation from another angle and say that you are not yet as proficient at influencing and motivating this individual as you need to be.
A blame-free attitude is the best path to choose. This can motivate you to develop your skills and talents on how to persuade, influence, and motivate. It could be that what you said is exactly what this person needs. As you enhance your presentation skills, in the future you will influence others to follow your beneficial suggestions.
Focus on the benefits of what you are advising this person. Show him how he will gain from following your suggestions. Find out what stops this person from following your suggestions. You might ask:
• "What stops you from trying this?"
• "What objections do you have to what I said?"
• "Is there anything about this that bothers you?"
• "What would you need to know in order to test this out?"
If he is afraid to try, perhaps his reasons are valid. He isn’t you and you aren’t him. It’s possible that your suggestions would be perfect for you, and a disaster for him. You can never know the entire picture.
When a person would like to follow your advice, but is apprehensive, do what you can to help him overcome his fears. Perhaps he doesn’t have a clear picture of what he needs to do. Help him develop that picture. Teach him the steps that he needs to know. Perhaps he just needs time to get used to the ideas you are suggesting. If you feel certain that what you are suggesting is in his best interests, perhaps you can repeat your suggestions at a later time. Then you might be able to better present it or this person might be more open to listening to you.
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