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Teach "No"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
Last year, I decided to attend a performance my husband was playing in, even though I was in a wheelchair. I had broken my foot and become temporarily disabled. Sitting next to me at the rear of the auditorium was another woman in a wheelchair. She had some kind of more permanent impairment, for it was even challenging for her to get dressed by herself. Still, determined to be independent and enjoy herself, she had ventured out on public transportation in a city that was still relatively new to her.
At the end of the performance, she mentioned to me that she hoped she'd be able to find her ride home. I asked her to describe who she was looking for, and it soon became evident that she had never met the person before. It turned out she had telephoned the Public Transit Line earlier in the day seeking schedule information for her return home after the opera. The operator she spoke to informed her that by the time the opera was over, she would have missed the last bus. The operator, understanding her situation, offered to pick her up and bring her home.
The woman protested but the operator insisted, stating" it was no problem at all," that "the timing was just right," in terms of her picking up her son in the area, anyway.
The operator had described the car she would be driving, but the whole notion still seemed too good to be true to me. It was pouring rain, and I was determined to make sure this woman got home safely one way or another.
This was going to be very challenging, if the transit operator didn't show up, though, because the woman kept refusing to take a ride with my husband and I.
My worries, of course, were for naught, because, sure enough, emerging out of the sea of humanity trying to make their way from the concert hall to their cars, was a kind looking woman with an umbrella calling out my new friend's name.
To this day, I cannot get over the courage of the woman in the wheelchair, the extraordinary kindness of a complete stranger to her, and the joy they each radiated. I am grateful for the blessings from the lessons.
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From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
Many people need to learn to say, "Yes," more often. Others need to learn to say, "No." The more kind acts you personally do, the more your telling someone to develop a balanced perspective will be accepted.
Some people say "yes" when they would prefer to say "no" out of embarrassment. At times they know they should say yes to a request. But they are feeling a bit lazy. This fear of embarrassment motivates them to live up to their ideals and is a positive force in their life.
But when they really don’t have the energy or time to do some positive thing they need permission and encouragement to say, "No."
Help them. You might say, "You really don’t have the energy right now. Look for a future opportunity when you do have the energy." Or you might say, "Right now your plate is full. You have an exhausting schedule. By saying ‘no’ now, you will be able to say ‘yes’ many times in the future."
Some people are intimidated by the anger of others. "If I don’t agree to do what this person asks me to do, then he will get angry at me." Anger is often used as a manipulative move. Those who use anger to get people to do what they wish, have learned that others feel so uncomfortable in the face of anger that they do what they wouldn’t do otherwise to placate the angry person. If you are not in physical danger, don’t allow someone’s anger to control you. Encourage others not to be blackmailed by anger. Train yourself to remain calm and centered in the face of anger. Then teach your skill to others. It’s important not to say anything to an angry person that will just get him angrier. Speak softly. Think before you speak. Only say that which will effectively soothe the angry person. You might be able to say, "If your request is reasonable, I will try to meet it. But please state your request pleasantly."
One of my students told me the following story:
I was becoming totally overwhelmed. I felt that any time anyone asked me to do something for them, I had to agree to do it. It became known that I was the one to ask for all types of favors. I love doing things for others, but too much of a good thing can still be a problem. I was constantly tired and exhausted. I still feel guilty that I wasn’t doing even more. Finally, I became so run down that I collapsed.
An elderly kind-hearted soul visited me when I was recuperating. I told her how I feel so badly that my not feeling well prevented my doing for others. After questioning me about my hectic schedule, she said to me, "I insist that you learn to tell people that you would like to help them, but can’t. When you can say ‘no’ your ‘yes’ is a real yes." I respected her for her good deeds and accepted her opinion. From then on I was more balanced on what I agreed to do and what I felt a need to decline.
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