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KIND WORDS
Be Prepared For Complaints
Be Prepared For Complaints
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
My young son had a number of run-ins with a neighboring family, which not only caused him to have a terrible relationship with them, but also trickled down to the rest of our family.
Recently, when my son was passing by, a relative of this family asked for his help in constructing something. My son spent some time working with him and successfully helped him out. The family thanked him and gave his a small reward.
My son came home and told our family, "Now I realize that when I thought they were being mean to me, it was really just because I was being mean to them!", and he told his siblings to play with them again. The two families experienced an immediate turnaround and now the children play together and we talk together.
I am so happy that my son experienced first-hand, at such a young age, the important principle that acts of kindness can repair damaged relationships!
Be Prepared For Complaints
From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By: Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
One of my students told me:
I can’t believe it. Before I was devoted to helping others, very few people had complaints against me. It seems that the more I do for others, the more that people are upset with me. Those I help, complain, "Why aren’t you doing more?" Those I am unable to help complain, "How come you help other people and not me?" Those who are angry with me for various reasons tell me, "You feel that just because you help people you don’t have to live up to other obligations."
When you devote your life to helping others, you are likely to arouse envy, animosity, and resentment. The needs of the people you help can be so great that they will be angry you aren’t helping them even more than you are. Your energy, time, and other resources are limited, so those you don’t help might feel resentful that you do more for others than you do for them.
Some people will be envious of the good you do. In order to feel better about themselves, they will find it easier to put you down than to do more themselves. They are likely to challenge your motivations when they say things like:
• "He only helps others because of his overblown ego."
• "She only helps those whom she feels will help her."
• "He wants to get ahead politically so he does favors for others."
• "She only does kindness because she is compensating for feelings of inferiority."
Even if it isn’t true, cynical or envious people are likely to make these claims. Someone with mixed motives -- he wants to help others and he does enjoy honor -- is likely to feel more hurt about this than someone whose motivations are pure. But anyone who has a sensitive nature can feel hurt.
Being criticized is part of the price one pays for helping others. This elevates you: You are willing to personally suffer in order to do acts of kindness for others. Acknowledge the truth of a complaint and it will be easier to tolerate.
• "Yes. I should do a lot more than I am doing. I’m sorry that I’m limited."
• "I acknowledge that I am only doing a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done."
• "I agree that it would be wonderful if I were doing more than I am."
• "Yes. I am inconsistent. But I feel it’s better to continue doing the good that I’m doing than to consistently do nothing for others."
One of my students explained:
I remember how shocked I was when someone whom I’ve helped greatly told me off in great anger, "You aren’t there for me enough when I really need you. O.K., so you did help me before but what about lately!"
After this I heard about being prepared for such occurrences. The next time someone I had helped attacked me for not doing enough for them, I was mentally ready to answer with true compassion, "I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me. I see how much you’ve suffered. It’s really rough."
The amazing thing is that when I said this with sincere concern, the person’s anger subsided and I received an apology. My response was, "That’s all right. I understand the pressure you were under." We parted with good feelings.
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