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KIND WORDS
Encouraging The Defeated"Fear Stops Them"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
A young woman was vomiting on the platform. She clearly had drunk too much alcohol. Although the other people waiting at the station were giving her disgusted looks, she didn't frighten me, I suppose because I am a nurse. So I took out some paper tissues I had in my bag and gave them to her, so she could clean herself up. It felt like the "right" thing to do, rather than condemning her.
What keeps many people from loving others and doing loving acts for others is simply fear. It's frightening to see people who are not in control of themselves, like drunks or drug addicts. When I remind myself that what is stopping others from helping is fear, I feel more compassion for those who are ignored or scorned.
Something similar happened to me in the streets of London. I was walking to my station when I tripped in the street, sprawling face down on the pavement. Not one of the people who passed by stopped to help me, they saw it, and rushed on.
It hurt then and as I write this it still hurts, that there is so little caring. But I have to remind myself that it is fear which gets in the way, not evil. What helped me in London was being able to imagine two women I had just left (with hugs) coming to help me and hugging me.
Life is very different in Israel, where I live. In Israel, when I fell once, I must have had about two or three people rushing over to help me up.
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Editors note: Scientific research has confirmed that fear stops people from helping. See the studies of Jane Piliavin on the Subways in New York City and Philadelphia. You can read about these studies as well as other studies in our upcoming Science of Kindness website. - Shmuel
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Encouraging The Defeated
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
I ran for president of our organization. I had a good chance of winning and I kept visualizing the sweet taste of victory. I had a number of plans that I wanted to implement and I imagined vividly the steps I would take and the benefits to the whole organization. I pictured the smiles on the faces of my father and mother. I saw myself being congratulated by my family and friends. This was going to be the most exciting day of my life.
I was in for a big shock. My opponent received more votes than I did. The first few moments were quite easy. I felt totally numb. I even shook hands with the winner and offered friendly congratulations, adding, "I’m certain you’ll do a good job." But then it hit me. I had lost. All my plans and dreams went up in smoke. I felt dejected and humiliated.
An older gentleman whom I greatly respected came to me the next day. "I know how you feel. I was once in a similar situation. I remember the shock and devastated feelings. For me this was the beginning of many accomplishments. It gave me a sense of humility and perspective. You are a great person and will accomplish a lot in your lifetime. It might take a while to get over it. Remember these feelings so you will be able to help others who have been defeated. Often the most successful people in world history were those who made comebacks after defeat. We can talk as often as you wish."
I was profoundly grateful. This speeded up my emotional healing immensely.
Say kind and encouraging words to people who have been defeated in any way. Losing can be painful. At times intensely so. Go out of your way to convey words of consolation. Write a letter, make a telephone call, send a gift.
Successful people know that every defeat is an added challenge. There are lessons to be learned. Defeat can strengthen your character. As you think about past defeats, continually grow from them. This will enable you to help others in a more effective way. Your own defeats are tools for spiritual victories.
Be careful not to just mouth platitudes. Feelings of compassion and empathy along with a simple, "I’m sorry," can be more powerful than more lengthy words uttered without feeling.
When you encourage people after they have suffered defeats, one day you will be told by a highly successful person, "I owe my success to you."
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Names of people, places, and other details mentioned in these stories may have been changed to protect privacy.
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