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KIND WORDS
Listen It's The Relationship that matters
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of
http://www.PartnersInKindness.orgThe author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of
My father is widowed and getting on in years. Sometimes he talks about the same minor concerns over and over. It dawned on me that just listening to him with interest and patience is an act of kindness. When he tells the same joke repeatedly, I try not to remind him that he has told it many times before. I attempt to show interest. After all, I am interested in him – his chosen topic really doesn't matter. It's the relationship that matters.
From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights. By Zelig Pliskin. Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
Listening to someone is a great act of kindness. It is an act of respect. It might appear to be passive, but being a good listener is a skill that takes effort. Being a great listener is an art, an art that you can learn for the betterment of all those who will appreciate your listening to them with your entire being.
When we listen to someone, it is common for us to interrupt before that person is finished. We are often busy, or distracted, or bored. The skill of listening consists of focusing your total attention on the person you are listening to.
Think of a specific time when you were totally fascinated by what someone was telling you. Remember how you leaned forward, how your total attention was on the speaker. You probably had eye contact or focused on the person’s mouth as the words flowed forth.
Observe people who are great listeners. Look at their face. Pay attention to their posture. Listen to the comments they make. Model them and you will upgrade the quality of your own listening.
Remember a time someone was interested in listening to what you had to say. Remember how good it felt. Remember the specific details that indicated to you that you were being listened to.
Those whom others find interesting or fascinating have less of a need for your listening skills. You personally can gain a lot from them and it’s highly worthwhile to be a good listener.
The people who will gain the most from your listening are those who are rarely listened to. These are people who suffer and have a strong need to share their feelings with others. They might have a tendency to repeat themselves. Since their talking helps lighten their burden, you are doing an act of kindness by listening. When you are doing someone an important service, your time is being well-spent.
When you listen, make brief comments that convey the message that you are paying attention and understand:
"I hear."
"I hear loud and clear."
"I see."
"I am getting the picture."
"That makes sense."
"That must have been very difficult."
"That sounds painful."
"I’m sorry."
"Wow!"
"That was really something."
"Remarkable."
"Yes, please tell me more."
Think of three people who would especially appreciate your listening to them. Go out of your way to find opportunities to build up your listening skills as you build up your compassion.
Consider this story, from one of my students:
I used to feel that being listened to is highly over rated. I wasn’t such an emotional person and felt that people waste too much time talking about how they feel. But then I went through several major crises at the same time. A member of my family had a serious illness. A close friend of mine had suddenly died. I lost my job and had a difficult time finding a new one. The financial pressures kept adding up. I like to handle things myself.
I was traveling on a plane to a job interview. The person I sat next to was intelligent and kind. I began telling him where I was going and why. He listened with his entire being and I felt that as I talked to him he was sharing my burden. I felt lighter as I spoke. At the end of the trip I thanked him profusely for helping me so much. After speaking to him I felt much better than I felt in a long time.
"All I did was listen," he said with a smile. I could see that he knew the power of being a good listener. Now I know it also for the first time.
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If you have permission to reprint this e-mail, please ensure that you reprint the entire e-mail (including this notice).
Names of people, places, and other details mentioned in these stories may have been changed to protect privacy.
Kindness is like music, art, sports or any other discipline -- it can only be mastered with practice, training, and lots and lots of encouragement. That is what PartnersInKindness.org is trying to promote.
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