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KIND WORDS
Verbal Encouragement =============================================================================
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"Our Special Guest"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of
http://www.PartnersInKindness.orgThe author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of
My daughter is a full time university student but she also works as a house mother at a home for mentally disabled adults who can't function on their own. In fact, they can't be left alone for even five minutes.
They have coverage 24/7 but for the first time since my daughter has been working there, they closed the sheltered housing for the holiday weekend. All of the women in her home were sent to either family or friends, except for one who had no place to go and she was placed in another home. Her family came from Ethiopia and abandoned her here and then returned to Ethiopia, so she has no place to go and no family in this country.
My daughter somehow found out that this 42-year-old mentally disabled woman was very unhappy in this temporary solution so she asked me if we could host her, and she even arranged for my son, who was on a weekend off from the army, to pick her up from Jerusalem (this adult could not make the half hour bus ride to our home on her own) and my daughter brought her back after the weekend when she went back to work.
My daughter was very polite when she asked me if we could host her because we already had a houseful of guests -- (we were 20 people in total) but I was very moved by her desire to initiate this invitation. She enjoys her work but it is very draining both physically and emotionally, and the time "away" from the home is very important. Yet, she put her own needs aside, once again, in order to make things more pleasant for this woman.
Perhaps there are some people that have preconceived (and prejudiced) notions that mentally disabled adults don’t have feelings like non-mentally disabled adults, but the joy and happiness that this woman showed by being in our home was quite apparent.
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"Verbal Encouragement"
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
No matter how much you wish to help other people, you will be limited in what you can do for them. No one person has all the resources, talents, skills, and answers to help everyone who needs help. Even when you can’t solve the problem, you can always give verbal encouragement.By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
Your verbal encouragement can be highly beneficial. Your verbal encouragement can help this person cope better until an actual solution is found. Your verbal encouragement can give this person the strength to continue to seek the help he needs. And your verbal encouragement might even enable this person to creatively find his own solutions.
Some people who can’t help might defensively say things that embarrass or belittle a person who is already vulnerable. They say things such as:
"Why can’t you solve your own problems."
"Why in the world would you think that I could do something to solve this?"
"You’re just lazy. That’s why you are in this mess."
"It’s your own fault that you have this problem."
These patterns aren’t helpful, to say the least. They belittle and cause discouragement. They can cause even more pain than was experienced before. In the words of someone who has suffered from this pattern, "I wish that those who can’t help me would just leave me in peace. They cause me unbelievable torture. They don’t know what it’s like to be cross-examined by people who sound well-meaning, but in reality are tormentors. All they would need is one experience of this and then they would be much more careful about doing this to anyone else."
Think about the outcome you want to achieve. You want the person you can’t help to feel encouraged and hopeful. Speak only in terms that will create this outcome.
Here are some potentially beneficial patterns. Keep adding to them.
"I’m sorry I can’t solve this. I wish you tremendous success in finding a solution. If I think of anything, I’ll call you."
"My experience has been that many people with similar difficulties have found solutions. I’m certain that you will find one also."
"I’ll pray for you. I’ll also speak to a few people who might be able to help."
One of my students told me this story:
I couldn’t find a job. I was intelligent, but I lacked the skills and experience that would make me more employable. I asked as many people as I could if they knew of a job opening. Some just said, "I don’t know why you came to me. How should I know?" They made me feel just awful. This added to my anxiety about asking other people. Others didn’t give the matter much thought and simply said, "Look at newspaper ads." Or, "Take a computer course."
I felt even worse when I was the recipient of a stern lecture. "How come you were so irresponsible and failed to get the proper training when you were younger? It’s too late now. You should have been more concerned about your future. You have only yourself to blame." To say that this wasn’t helpful would be a gross understatement. I felt bad enough about not having a job. I had no need of these painful speeches. If they would have had a minimal amount of empathy, they wouldn’t have been able to say what they did.
Some people did give me leads that were reasonable possibilities. I was grateful for their trying. What I really appreciated were the people who listened to me and expressed sincere caring about my situation. Even though they didn’t have a job to offer, they spoke to me in ways that gave me encouragement to continue my search. When I felt totally discouraged, I knew I could decrease the pressure by speaking with them. I wish more people learned how to give encouragement. It’s crucial to show a person you can’t help that you understand him and truly wish him success. The people who did that for me gave me hope. May they be blessed.
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Names of people, places, and other details mentioned in these stories may have been changed to protect privacy.
Kindness is like music, art, sports or any other discipline -- it can only be mastered with practice, training, and lots and lots of encouragement. That is what PartnersInKindness.org is trying to promote.
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