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KIND WORDS
Don’t Use A HatchetToday's e-mail is sponsored by Michael & Adriane Kreisberg
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Info@... "No Substitute for Kindness"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of
http://www.PartnersInKindness.orgThe author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of
I learned about Partners In Kindness while doing a term paper on the topic of kindness for a college course. I would like to share this story with as many people as possible -- especially concerned fellow teachers.
I am an elementary school teacher. Formerly I taught full-time, but I resigned many years ago to be a stay-at-home mom. I began to substitute part-time about nine months after my son was born. I found the most challenging part of the job was maintaining discipline in the classroom.
Several years ago, I was having lunch with a friend and noticed a basket of small stones at the check-out counter. They had words carved on them, like "kindness," "honesty," "integrity," etc. I bought a small stone with the word "kindness" etched into it.
Whenever I am subbing -- and this goes for any class -- from preschool through high school -- I tell the students that life can be difficult at times, but I carry this small stone with me as a reminder that random acts of kindness can alleviate any tough situation. I tell my students that I have only one rule -- to be kind to each other. I have had absolutely NO more discipline problems whatsoever . . . and the feedback I get from the students is heart-warming.
I am an elementary school teacher. Formerly I taught full-time, but I resigned many years ago to be a stay-at-home mom. I began to substitute part-time about nine months after my son was born. I found the most challenging part of the job was maintaining discipline in the classroom.
Several years ago, I was having lunch with a friend and noticed a basket of small stones at the check-out counter. They had words carved on them, like "kindness," "honesty," "integrity," etc. I bought a small stone with the word "kindness" etched into it.
Whenever I am subbing -- and this goes for any class -- from preschool through high school -- I tell the students that life can be difficult at times, but I carry this small stone with me as a reminder that random acts of kindness can alleviate any tough situation. I tell my students that I have only one rule -- to be kind to each other. I have had absolutely NO more discipline problems whatsoever . . . and the feedback I get from the students is heart-warming.
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From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
There is an old saying, "Don’t use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead." In the literal sense this isn’t common. But figuratively many might be guilty of doing what the saying warns not to do.
Removing a fly from someone’s head is an act of kindness. But don’t do anything that will make the situation worse for the person you are trying to help. The first rule in helping people is: Do no harm!
One form of this pattern is when you try to influence someone to improve in some way, but what you say causes discouragement. Telling someone, "You are so lazy you’ll never get anywhere in life," won’t motivate this person to become noted for his alacrity and proactivity.
Telling someone who made a mistake, "Why can’t you learn to do things right?" makes an assumption. It’s giving the person a message that he can never learn to do things right. If he really can’t, there is no benefit in your asking this question. If he really could, then your question is acting as a barrier to prevent him from learning better ways to do things.
A parent or teacher who punishes a child, yells and shouts, and causes pain for a child’s failure to study properly can easily cause a child to form negative associations with studying. The intention might be for the child’s best interests. But the approach will intensify the problem rather than solve it.
We are most likely to be guilty of using counterproductive approaches when we become angry at someone we care about for not doing things that will be helpful to him or for doing things that are harmful. Ironically the more we care, the more likely we are to become angrier. And the angrier we are the less clearly we think. We need to keep our original intention in mind. We care and that is why we react. So let what you say and the way you say it reflect your sincere care. The message you convey should be, "You are important to me and I care about your welfare."
My students related these stories to me:
When I was a young girl, my mother would try to motivate me to eat by saying, "Think of all the starving children in the world who would be happy to eat this food." My feeling sorry for those children took away my appetite.
When I didn’t do my homework, my teacher would embarrass me in front of the entire class. This didn’t make me love to do homework. Instead it made me hate the subject that teacher taught.
I didn’t call home very frequently. Whenever I did call home, the first reaction I heard was always, "How come you didn’t call until now? Why do you make us worry so much about you?" This made me feel guilty. But I so disliked hearing this that I kept pushing off making telephone calls to my parents. I wish they would have said, "We’re so happy to hear from you." This would have made me call more often.
When my friend told me about mistakes he made, I used to react, "How could you have messed up such an easy thing?" He wanted my suggestion about what to do to prevent these mistakes in the future. Only later did I find out that my reactions stopped him from confiding in me.
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Feedback from Last Weeks Story
Feedback from Last Weeks Story
*
I'd like the person who lost his job and is struggling without empathy from those around him , to know that I hope all is going well and that perhaps it is people feeling helpless who don't want to cause him embarrassment or appear nosey. It's a misconception most people have - that it's cruel to mention anything to do with a misfortune or temporary hitch. Maybe he or she can find the courage to tell his friends that what he needs is moral support. People can be amazingly responsive when they don't have to tiptoe in the dark because they know what another person needs.
It's possible that this present hardship will lead to something better that might not have been able to come otherwise.
* I too am in a similar position, although I do not have two houses.
While I don't want you to think I do not have people who are concerned; it amazes me that when I was working everyone felt that they could come to me for advise (all types), help in various different ways, yet now that I am not working don't think that I need encouragement and just a call to touch base.
* More than once, I've been able to use an encouraging word when I met a youngster who had been excited just a few days ago, after proudly announcing that he landed his very first job, just to be fired a short time afterwards.
The letdown can be heartbreaking, no matter what the reasons might have been for having been let go from a very first job. He never had to go through such a terrible time before and his fist thoughts are, "I'm an utter failure" and "What do I do for the rest of my life, if I can't hold onto a simple job for even a few weeks" and other such discouraging thoughts.
After letting him express his frustration and disappointment in "himself", I've replied, "You should thank G-d, that you're not encumbered with such a menial job any more. Now you can go out and find a better position. Just imagine that you would have been kept on as even the best message boy the company ever had, you could have ended up retiring at age 65 from the position of... Yes, message boy.
Now that you have experience in seeking employment, being hired and even being let go... now you can be more discerning about what kind of company you wish to work for, which position is better for you to succeed in, and if need be, even know when to quit and go for a more advanced position in a better company, one that will appreciate you and your abilities.
Really! Would you really have wanted to be a senior message boy for the rest of your life?"
This is truly a positive way to look at being fired from a very first job. Even if it was because of a foul-up, something positive can be learned from the experience.
* Several readers asked us to forward their words of support to the author with messages like this one: "Tell him we care and hope things get better for him."
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Although the content of these e-mails contains copyrighted material, Partners in Kindness allows users who register at our website to reprint them in print, on a website, or on an e-mail distribution list at no cost.
If you have permission to reprint this e-mail, please ensure that you reprint the entire e-mail (including this notice).
Names of people, places, and other details mentioned in these stories may have been changed to protect privacy.
Kindness is like music, art, sports or any other discipline -- it can only be mastered with practice, training, and lots and lots of encouragement. That is what PartnersInKindness.org is trying to promote.
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