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Stop Put-Downs
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Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
My older girls were amongst the most popular kids in the class and the teachers would often call them up and enlist their help before a class trip or overnight to make sure they could count on them to help the less popular ones.
One time a teacher called my ninth grader and said that a girl wouldn’t join the trip because she was afraid she'd be lonely. So my daughter called her up to make sure she'd come and let her know that she would spend time with her.
Another daughter would always make sure that one of the most unpopular girls in the class was always invited to all the social events, but yet, even though her motivation was to be kind to this lonely girl, they ended up being good friends so that the initial help out of pity ended up leading to a good relationship for my daughter as well.
After seeing these cases, and then having a child who really had no friends, I decided that I could be proactive to help my child. Without overdoing it I called a parent of a girl who I saw there was potential with and I explained the situation how sad my daughter was. I told her how important it was not to let on that I had initiated the call or else that would make matters worse. They invited my daughter to their daughter’s party and ever since then they are good friends. It turns out that the girl also didn't have any real friends, so it was a win-win.
Stop Put-Downs
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
Stop people from putting themselves down. If a person has high self-esteem, but out of humility makes a modest statement, terrific. This is an elevated quality. But if a person whose self-image could use a boost needlessly makes a self-deprecatory statement, suggest gently that they don’t need to and that it’s not helpful.
Every self inflicted put-down statement adds to a person’s lack of belief in himself and his abilities. Many people who tend to do this need someone else to give them permission to stop doing it. Some do this so others won’t blame them for being conceited or arrogant. True humility is awareness of your strengths paired with the awareness that they are all gifts. There is a difference between boasting and sharing your accomplishments with those who will be happy for you. Be careful not to cause envy or resentment. Strategic self-effacement can be advisable, but not if it is an expression of inferiority feelings.
Some people put themselves down to prevent others from criticizing them. They already criticize themselves so there is no need for anyone else to do so. And some people put themselves down so others will build them up. This can be an opportunity for an act of kindness on your part.
The following is a sample of statements which might be heard and the appropriate response
• S: "I’m not so bright. But it seems to me that…"
R: "You are entitled to state your opinion without commenting on your intelligence. And if your idea is good, that itself is an indication of brightness."
• S: "I’m so lazy. But I worked hard on this project."
R: "If you repeat that you are lazy, it makes it more difficult to overcome it. You have a right to tell me that you worked hard on this project without qualifying what you say."
• S: "I never do anything right."
R: "I’m certain that’s an exaggeration. It is worthwhile to be more objective about what you do properly and what you don’t."
• S: "I have a terrible memory."
R: "Fortunately you remember a vast number of things. Every time you do remember something, let it register that your brain has a tremendous storage and retrievable system."
• S: "I’m always putting myself down."
R: "It’s great that you are doing so now. It gives me an opportunity to help you change this pattern. If you wouldn’t always do it, perhaps I wouldn’t be aware of it and couldn’t help you change."
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