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From Self-Critical To Objective Observer
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
My husband and I have a two-story house, which had been used as a duplex apartment. This fall our 19-year-old son started paying rent on an apartment we have in the basement.
In September, our son's friend, John was kicked out of his home by his mother, in an act of tough love. The boy had no job, no driver's license, not even a high school diploma. He looked like a whipped puppy.
We allowed John to move in with our son, under certain conditions. My husband went with him to the temporary employment agency to help him get a job. He also went with John to his previous employer, who "lost" John's work record, thus delaying his ability to get a new job, and bought him a knee brace after his knee got swollen from standing in front of the assembly line. John appears to be happy and proud of himself.
This weekend, I started coaching John on the G.E.D. test, which will allow him to get a high school diploma. He's not sure why it's important, so I explained to him that with his high school diploma, he won't have to take the first job that comes around.
The story is not over, but already I feel we've made a positive difference in this young man's life.
From Self-Critical To Objective Observer
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
One of my students told me:
Whatever I do, I am criticized. When I make a mistake, I am told, "How could you have been so stupid?" When I speak to other people, I am frequently chided, "You are making a fool of yourself." When I do something right, I hear, "You should have done this a long time ago, and this is only a drop in the bucket of what you should be doing." It’s torture to be consistently told off and put-down. And this criticism follows me wherever I go since it is my own inner voice that is doing the criticism.
Saving someone from physical torture would be a deed of the highest priority. While being consistently verbally tortured is less dramatic, it is intensely distressful. Those who are excessively self-critical need someone from the outside to save them from themselves.
When you tell someone who is self-critical to be more accepting of themselves, do so with sensitivity. You can just add to their distress by saying, "You are crazy for being so self-critical. Stop it already!" This is likely to make them self-critical about being self-critical.
Some people tell those who are highly self-critical, "This shows that you have a low self-image. If you had more self-esteem, you wouldn’t be so critical of yourself." Great! Now the self-critical person has to worry about his low self-esteem. This definitely isn’t going to lead him on the path to joy and self-acceptance.
People who are excessively self-critical often claim, "But if I’m not self-critical, I won’t make positive changes." This is not necessarily true. When I type on my computer, the program I use immediately notifies me when I have made a typing error. I appreciate this feedback. To correct the mistakes, I don’t need to say, "That was awful of me to make such a simple mistake. Don’t you know how to spell such simple words? Won’t you ever learn to do it right the first time." Making mistakes is part of the typing. You can correct the mistakes feeling calm and relaxed.
Teach people to be objective about their mistakes, faults, and errors. Being objective about them frees their mind to spend most of their focus on what they need to do to correct them. Suggest that they internalize a sense of positive feelings about noticing what they are doing wrong. "Now that I realize I was wrong I can improve."
A student told me:
I used to be consistently self-critical. My general state of being was one of anxiety. I was told by my parents and many other people, "You are too self-critical." My attitude towards those who said this to me was that they weren’t serious enough about developing themselves. What changed me was that someone I respected greatly told me, "I used to be just like you. I was never satisfied with myself. I knew that I could and should do better. But as I grew older I realized that a joyous attitude towards self-improvement was what I needed. Experiment for a month. Every time you realize you made a mistake, hear an inner voice telling you, ‘It’s great that I noticed this.’ Imagine yourself rejoicing as if you found a great treasure. This changed my life and I think it will change yours." He was right, it did. I am on the lookout for people who seem to be as self-critical as I was. It is a high priority for me to help them become more objective about themselves.
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Names of people, places, and other details mentioned in these stories may have been changed to protect privacy.
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