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KIND WORDS
Enhancing
MarriagesThe author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
I had been a divorced, single mother for quite a number of years. In 2002, I decided that it was time for me to begin looking again for a husband. I was 34 at the time. I began to tell friends and family. I met with many different matchmakers. I read the personals and most of all, I used many different online dating services. I placed ads, and browsed the ads of appropriate men. I met many men through all of this, and 98% of them I met via the internet. I attended single’s events--All to no avail, or so it seemed.
In January of 2003, I received an email from a man who was interested in learning more about me. But his email and his online profile were somewhat bland. I could tell nothing about him from them and put the email aside. The end of January I found myself attending a weekend singles’ program in Miami. It was a disastrous experience for me. On the last day of the program I found myself crying in public. I felt as if I would never find a husband. I would forever be rejected. I felt unloved, unlovable, alone, and lonely. One woman, a married woman who lived in Miami saw me and came to me and gave me her shoulder to cry on and her ear to vent. She also told me not to give up hope.
I went home. I cried myself to sleep. But as I cried I also prayed. I remembered once hearing a story about how G-d sends angels to catch all the tears to bring back to Him. I asked G-d to take my tears as prayers for a husband. The next day, however, I made the foolish decision that I was going to give up. I was no longer going to search the ads, go to singles events, or to matchmakers. But, I also decided that I would answer any of those I had gotten already.
So, sitting in my email inbox was the rather bland email from the man I mentioned above. I answered it. He wrote back. I added his name to my buddy list. One evening, I saw that he was online. I sent him and Instant Message and we began chatting. It appeared that we had much in common. He immediately asked for my phone number and even though I usually did not give it out that quickly, I did in this case. He called, we spoke for a few minutes and then he asked me to dinner. I accepted, and it was arranged that he would come to pick me up on Saturday night at my parents’ house. (I was living in the same house).
On Saturday night he came, rang the bell, met my parents and took me to dinner. We had a lovely time. Subsequent to that date, we had several more, in which it was apparent that he was falling in love with me! And I was beginning to return that love. We have since that time, gotten married, and merged our two families (his two kids and my three) quite successfully. Every day I thank G-d for blessing me with this man and for having accepted my tears.
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"Enhancing Marriages"
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin. Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
"You could have done better." The mother who said this to her son caused this couple strife and friction for many years to come. Five powerfully destructive words.
"What a jewel you have." These five words created a beautiful marriage. Both the husband and wife viewed one another as precious diamonds. The man who was told this had viewed his wife through critical lenses. Then someone he respected said this to him.
"Are you serious?" he asked.
"Of course," he was told. "You are married to a very special person. Treat her as a diamond and she will reciprocate." He did, and she did.
Be on the lookout for what you can say to a married couple that will enhance their marriage. Even people who love and respect each other dearly can use positive feedback.
Be careful. A couple that is having serious difficulties interacting with each other might react with cynicism if your praise is too profuse. You might say, "You are married to a wonderful person," and what will go through the mind of the recipient will be, "You don’t know what you are talking about." In such situations mild praise on a specific positive action would be preferable.
In my book Marriage, I have elaborated on how to enhance a marriage. Here are a few ideas that you can pass on to a married couple.
* Apply outcome thinking. That is, before you say or do something, ask yourself, "What will be the outcome of what I will say or do?" Only say or do things that are likely to have positive outcomes.
* See the good. Focus on the positive deeds, qualities, and patterns of your spouse.
* Don’t cause pain. Give pleasure. These five words create positive marriages.
* Reframe positively. Find positive ways to evaluate what your spouse says and does.
* Apologize first. Take the initiative to apologize for any mistakes, misunderstandings, or wrongs.
* Focus on your own responsibilities. Don’t blame your spouse for not being all that he or she should be. Rather, focus on your own responsibilities to be loving and respectful.
* Speak with respect at all times. Even if you are upset or angry, still speak with respect.
* Build your character traits as you build your marriage.
* Constantly say and do things to put your spouse in positive states.
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* Regarding the response to a recent story, a fine synopsis of addiction/recover education. I'd like to share my observation of the story, "Another Chance."
There was no mention in the story that substance abuse/addictive behaviors were involved and we must therefore view the situation for what it is. While the description of the 19 year old young man may share similarity (ranging from some to a large degree) to substance abusers, not everyone who is struggling in life is abusing alcohol/drugs. The steps the couple took did not at all suggest a band-aid solution for their particular situation. Neither did they "enable" the young man to continue living in an unhealthy manner. To the contrary, the couple attached rules to the young man's living arrangements and supported his needs to move forward in life. The steps they took all fall under the category of healthy support, and they did just that which the title suggested, they gave him another chance.
There is one more thing I wish to clarify (based on your final comment): When a young person is kicked out of his home, it does not necessarily mean the family is dysfunctional. There are many reasons why some parents may choose to have their child leave (I personally do not use the negative term "kick out"), and it may range from the build-up of parental anger and resentment of the child, to embarrassment in the community due to non-conformity of religious and ethical conduct, to the ethical protection of other children in the home. I am not advocating for or against sending a child out of the home. I'm merely stating that in this case, while the 19 year old may, in fact, possess a multitude of issues that has been building up over the years, it does not necessarily follow that the family situation was or is dysfunctional.
On a final note, I do agree that when substance abuse is involved, professional guidance must be sought. And even if substance abuse were not involved, and if someone found himself in a predicament as the writer of "Another Chance," it might be prudent to consult with a professional for the purpose of gaining knowledge on how one can be an effective "supporter" rather than a "rescuer."
Certified Parent & Teen Coach
Specializing in at-risk behavior
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