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Teach "No"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
Several years ago, when I was a student at Queens College, I had a very strict teacher who was very "unpleased" with students who came late to her class. It was a freezing and snowy evening. I had left something in my car and ran back to get it knowing I would barely make it back in time for my class and fearing my teacher would be upset with me.
In the distance, it seemed that someone was having some sort of problem. At first I thought, "Oh, it's probably nothing." Then I thought, "Oh, there are plenty of other people around." But then I heard the voice of Shlomo Carlebach singing one of his famous songs that said, "The greatest thing in the world is to do somebody a favor."
I knew if I went to see what the problem was I would be late for class but I kept hearing, "The greatest thing in the world is to do somebody a favor."
I decided to see what the problem was. The poor person had left her lights on and her car battery was dead. Nobody had jumper cables in their car except, it turned out, ME. I got my jumper cables and helped the woman to
start her car.
I returned to class late, fearing the worst from my teacher. It turned out that she, herself, was late for class and therefore, I didn't have a problem.
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From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights by Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
Many people need to learn to say, "Yes," more often. Others need to learn to say, "No." The more kind acts you personally do, the more your telling someone to develop a balanced perspective will be accepted.
Some people say "yes" when they would prefer to say "no" out of embarrassment. At times they know they should say yes to a request. But they are feeling a bit lazy. This fear of embarrassment motivates them to live up to their ideals and is a positive force in their life.
But when they really don’t have the energy or time to do some positive thing they need permission and encouragement to say, "No."
Help them. You might say, "You really don’t have the energy right now. Look for a future opportunity when you do have the energy." Or you might say, "Right now your plate is full. You have an exhausting schedule. By saying ‘no’ now, you will be able to say ‘yes’ many times in the future."
Some people are intimidated by the anger of others. "If I don’t agree to do what this person asks me to do, then he will get angry at me." Anger is often used as a manipulative move. Those who use anger to get people to do what they wish, have learned that others feel so uncomfortable in the face of anger that they do what they wouldn’t do otherwise to placate the angry person. If you are not in physical danger, don’t allow someone’s anger to control you. Encourage others not to be blackmailed by anger. Train yourself to remain calm and centered in the face of anger. Then teach your skill to others. It’s important not to say anything to an angry person that will just get him angrier. Speak softly. Think before you speak. Only say that which will effectively soothe the angry person. You might be able to say, "If your request is reasonable, I will try to meet it. But please state your request pleasantly."
One of my students told me the following story:
I was becoming totally overwhelmed. I felt that any time anyone asked me to do something for them, I had to agree to do it. It became known that I was the one to ask for all types of favors. I love doing things for others, but too much of a good thing can still be a problem. I was constantly tired and exhausted. I still feel guilty that I wasn’t doing even more. Finally, I became so run down that I collapsed.
An elderly kind-hearted soul visited me when I was recuperating. I told her how I feel so badly that my not feeling well prevented my doing for others. After questioning me about my hectic schedule, she said to me, "I insist that you learn to tell people that you would like to help them, but can’t. When you can say ‘no’ your ‘yes’ is a real yes." I respected her for her good deeds and accepted her opinion. From then on I was more balanced on what I agreed to do and what I felt a need to decline.
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