KIND WORDS
Enhancing Marriages
"The Late Night Call that Saved My Marriage"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
Some time ago, I was having a terrible row with my husband. We were seriously considering parting ways for a time, each of us living in our respective countries, which of course would have been just awful for our two young children.
My friend happened to be on instant messenger online and I wrote to her to tell her the situation, right in the middle of a fight. It was 1:30 A.M. and it was just pure luck that
she was awake and also at her computer. She begged me to call her with my husband and she would help us through it (she is a lay psychologist/counselor). We agreed and called her immediately.
For an hour-and-a-half, in the middle of the night, she stayed on the phone with us until we could get to a point that we could each get some much needed sleep, teaching us many new skills in how to communicate along the way. And she offered her services again the very next day...just a bit earlier than the middle of the night. She also typed out a script for us to use to have kinder, gentler communication that really matters and emailed it to us to use on our own. She did this for free and out of the kindness of her heart, never asking for anything in return.
My husband and I have been through some challenging times since then, but we have (so far) been able to avoid screaming and yelling at one another and saying hateful, hurtful things. We are
now working with this script every time we need clearer communication and it has literally saved our marriage (and the psychological lives of our children...and likely their children and on down the line).
Our house has been so peaceful and our children have relaxed and become so much more well-mannered and loving, all because of this act of kindness from our very generous friend. I only hope that I can "repay" her by doing my own acts of kindness.
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"Enhancing Marriages"
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin. Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
"You could have done better." The mother who said this to her son caused this couple strife and friction for many years to come. Five powerfully destructive words.
"What a jewel you have." These five words created a beautiful marriage. Both the husband and wife viewed one another as precious diamonds. The man who was told this had viewed his wife through critical lenses. Then someone he respected said this to him.
"Are you serious?" he asked.
"Of course," he was told. "You are married to a very special person. Treat her as a diamond and she will reciprocate." He did, and she did.
Be on the lookout for
what you can say to a married couple that will enhance their marriage. Even people who love and respect each other dearly can use positive feedback.
Be careful. A couple that is having serious difficulties interacting with each other might react with cynicism if your praise is too profuse. You might say, "You are married to a wonderful person," and what will go through the mind of the recipient will be, "You don¢t know what you are talking about." In such situations mild praise on a specific positive action would be preferable.
In my book Marriage, I have elaborated on how to enhance a marriage. Here are a few ideas that you can pass on to a married couple.
* Apply outcome thinking. That is, before you say or do something, ask yourself, "What will be the outcome of what I will say or do?" Only say or do things that are likely to have positive outcomes.
* See the good. Focus on the positive deeds, qualities, and patterns of
your spouse.
* Don¢t cause pain. Give pleasure. These five words create positive marriages.
* Reframe positively. Find positive ways to evaluate what your spouse says and does.
* Apologize first. Take the initiative to apologize for any mistakes, misunderstandings, or wrongs.
* Focus on your own responsibilities. Don¢t blame your spouse for not being all that he or she should be. Rather, focus on your own responsibilities to be loving and respectful.
* Speak with respect at all times. Even if you are upset or angry, still speak with respect.
* Build your character traits as you build your marriage.
* Constantly say and do things to put your spouse in positive states.
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