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KIND WORDS
Listen
Love - Everyone's Special Need
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of
We were skiing in Vermont with our two younger boys while on a visit to the US. At the end of the day, we shared a table with a talkative adult with some sort of special need. He was there on his own and clearly welcomed the opportunity to discuss what he'd be eating for dinner that evening - this after he looked somewhat suspiciously at our healthy snacks - peanuts and raisins, rice cakes and spreads. I imagined him as a lonely bachelor, especially after I heard of his food preparation style but was pleased to hear him talk of his sister who seemed to look after him a bit.
His speech was somewhat halting, due to a stammer as well as developmental disability but I was heartened, as the mother of a child with special needs, to imagine my boy able to go off on a
day's adventure on his own one day. My husband and my 15 year old son, noted the time that I took to make conversation with him - we all made an effort, really - and we liked knowing that we had offered some ski lodge style chitchat to someone who might have been ignored by others. My youngest son, who was in childcare having his own ski adventures was benefiting as well from the uniquely accepting style of care that ski resorts in Vermont give to people with special needs - there was nothing they couldn't do to make him comfortable and ensure him quality time in the snow and on skis each day. It was a good experience for all.
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"Listen"
From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights. By Zelig Pliskin. Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
Listening to someone is a great act of kindness. It is an act of respect. It might appear to be passive, but being a good listener is a skill that takes effort. Being a great listener is an art, an art that you can learn for the betterment of all those who will appreciate your listening to them with your entire being.
When we listen to someone, it is common for us to interrupt before that person is finished. We are often busy, or distracted, or bored. The skill of listening consists of focusing your total attention on the person you are listening to.
Think of a specific time when you were
totally fascinated by what someone was telling you. Remember how you leaned forward, how your total attention was on the speaker. You probably had eye contact or focused on the person’s mouth as the words flowed forth.
Observe people who are great listeners. Look at their face. Pay attention to their posture. Listen to the comments they make. Model them and you will upgrade the quality of your own listening.
Remember a time someone was interested in listening to what you had to say. Remember how good it felt. Remember the specific details that indicated to you that you were being listened to.
Those whom others find interesting or fascinating have less of a need for your listening skills. You personally can gain a lot from them and it’s highly worthwhile to be a good listener.
The people who will gain the most from your listening are those who are rarely listened to. These are people who suffer and have a strong need to
share their feelings with others. They might have a tendency to repeat themselves. Since their talking helps lighten their burden, you are doing an act of kindness by listening. When you are doing someone an important service, your time is being well-spent.
When you listen, make brief comments that convey the message that you are paying attention and understand:
"I hear."
"I hear loud and clear."
"I see."
"I am getting the picture."
"That makes sense."
"That must have been very difficult."
"That sounds painful."
"I’m sorry."
"Wow!"
"That was really something."
"Remarkable."
"Yes, please tell me more."
Think of three people who would especially appreciate your listening to them. Go out of your way to find opportunities to build up your listening skills as you build up your compassion.
Consider this story, from one of my students:
I
used to feel that being listened to is highly over rated. I wasn’t such an emotional person and felt that people waste too much time talking about how they feel. But then I went through several major crises at the same time. A member of my family had a serious illness. A close friend of mine had suddenly died. I lost my job and had a difficult time finding a new one. The financial pressures kept adding up. I like to handle things myself.
I was traveling on a plane to a job interview. The person I sat next to was intelligent and kind. I began telling him where I was going and why. He listened with his entire being and I felt that as I talked to him he was sharing my burden. I felt lighter as I spoke. At the end of the trip I thanked him profusely for helping me so much. After speaking to him I felt much better than I felt in a long time.
"All I did was listen," he said with a smile. I could see that he knew the power of being a good
listener. Now I know it also for the first time.
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