"They Lost Out. You Did Not."
As told by Ely Harary
From: Joseph: How One Man Can Make a Difference
Printed with Permission of the author, Jack Doueck

In the summer of 1993, I was helping to solicit funds for SBH* in a New Jersey synagogue. We set up a table by the door. As people entered the building in the morning, we approached them for a pledge to SBH.

This was not easy work. Some people were annoyed. I learned first hand the feeling of being rejected out of hand. It takes a certain amount of courage and temerity to approach people for money, no matter how important the cause. It was kind of painful to have to plead with people to help SBH. But I loved the cause and looked at it as an honor and a privilege to raise funds for SBH.

There were about six of us at the SBH table that hot Saturday morning. We arrived at the Synagogue before seven AM and didn't plan on leaving the synagogue until around noon.

It was constant work. We would go around to each attendee with pledge cards and ask for a contribution to our great cause.

At about 9:15 AM, two brothers who were prominent and wealthy gentlemen were entering the synagogue. The SBH volunteers at the table told me not to bother speaking to them. "These men never give us a penny," they told me. "They are as stingy as they come. Don't waste your time with them. Just focus on the givers."

I didn't listen to them.

"Well, I have to try. I have to ask them for something. I can't just let these two wealthy men go without asking. Who knows, maybe they just weren't asked politely before, or maybe they will have a change of heart this year."

The other volunteers laughed at me. "Go ahead Ely. Go ahead and try. Waste your time. Like you said, 'Who knows?'" I paid no attention to them.

With some apprehension, I left the table and approached the older of the two brothers. This was his answer: "I don't usually give to SBH, but I like you son. So, I am going to give you eighteen dollars!" The other man added: "Since my brother obviously likes you very much, I will donate eighteen dollars as well. But it's only because my brother likes you."

Needless to say, I felt deflated, demoralized and devastated. How could these men not give substantial pledges?

I was about to return to the chorus of, "I told you so" at the SBH table, when I felt an arm around my shoulder. It was Joseph Beyda, the President of SBH: "Ely, listen to me. Some people have not earned the right to give. They may have a lot of money, but they just don't have enough merit. They lost out. You did not."

Joe's words had a twofold effect on me.

On the one hand, his words consoled me and made it much easier to approach even the most intimidating of people.

On the other hand, what he said frightened me. This is because I began to apply his words to my own life. His words reverberate in my mind: "Some people have not earned the right to give."

What a thought! Giving is a privilege. And that privilege has to be earned. You need merit to do it.

"Do I have the merit?" I ask myself.

Ever since that morning, I have worked harder and harder to earn the merit to give. I am determined to do and give what I can for SBH. I don't ever want to become someone who does not have enough merit to give.

Joe may not have known this, but his words not only consoled me —they invigorated me. They empowered me and challenged me. One simple sentence, aptly timed and delivered in a compassionate tone with a warm embrace — was enough to enrich my life.

Thanks, Joe. Thanks for making me always want to earn the merit to give.

* This book contains countless references to "SBH." This refers to Sephardic Bikur Holim. SBH is a social service agency based in Brooklyn, New York, with a branch in Deal, New Jersey. SBH offers a wide variety of services, including visits to the sick and elderly, financial help for needy families, counseling, support groups, a drug, alcohol and gambling task force, a medical referral service, help for children with learning disabilities, and much, much more.

Uniquely, SBH is volunteer-driven. Its board members and "captains" (client advocates) are caring individuals who dedicate their time and effort to improving the lives of people in their community. This is supplemented by a caring staff of social workers and administrative personnel, who combine professionalism and warmth to provide the best possible to the clients of SBH.


Stop Put-Downs
From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By: Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press

Stop people from putting themselves down. If a person has high self-esteem, but out of humility makes a modest statement, terrific. This is an elevated quality. But if a person whose self-image could use a boost needlessly makes a self-deprecatory statement, suggest gently that they don’t need to and that it’s not helpful.

Every self inflicted put-down statement adds to a person’s lack of belief in himself and his abilities. Many people who tend to do this need someone else to give them permission to stop doing it. Some do this so others won’t blame them for being conceited or arrogant. True humility is awareness of your strengths paired with the awareness that they are all gifts. There is a difference between boasting and sharing your accomplishments with those who will be happy for you. Be careful not to cause envy or resentment. Strategic self-effacement can be advisable, but not if it is an expression of inferiority feelings.

Some people put themselves down to prevent others from criticizing them. They already criticize themselves so there is no need for anyone else to do so. And some people put themselves down so others will build them up. This can be an opportunity for an act of kindness on your part.

The following is a sample of statements which might be heard and the appropriate response

• S: "I’m not so bright. But it seems to me that…"

R: "You are entitled to state your opinion without commenting on your intelligence. And if your idea is good, that itself is an indication of brightness."

• S: "I’m so lazy. But I worked hard on this project."

R: "If you repeat that you are lazy, it makes it more difficult to overcome it. You have a right to tell me that you worked hard on this project without qualifying what you say."

• S: "I never do anything right."

R: "I’m certain that’s an exaggeration. It is worthwhile to be more objective about what you do properly and what you don’t."

• S: "I have a terrible memory."

R: "Fortunately you remember a vast number of things. Every time you do remember something, let it register that your brain has a tremendous storage and retrievable system."

• S: "I’m always putting myself down."

R: "It’s great that you are doing so now. It gives me an opportunity to help you change this pattern. If you wouldn’t always do it, perhaps I wouldn’t be aware of it and couldn’t help you change."

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