KIND WORDS
Be Prepared For Complaints

"Heal the Healer"
From: Do Unto Others: How Good Deeds Can Change Your Life
Printed with Permission of the author, Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.,
Founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation System

Many years ago a young woman I'll call Robin was admitted to Gateway out of prison where she was jailed for repeatedly committing crimes to support her narcotics habit, some of those crimes fairly ugly. Her therapist at the center took great interest in her and told me that it was imperative we find a long term facility for Robin rather than sending her back out on the street. She was certain that if Robin was released from our relatively short program that she would relapse, violate her probation, and end up once again in prison.

I found a program for Robin which could provide residential treatment for a year. However Robin refused to hear of it.

We periodically hold meetings with staff and patients where we gather to discuss various issues and air grievances. At one such meeting, with Robin in attendance, the director threw the room open to anyone who had something to share. After some silence, Robin's therapist blurted out that she was going to quit. She began to cry. She went on to say that she had put her guts into Robin and she was positive Robin would not stay clean if she left treatment. Rather than watch her patient destroy herself, the therapist was determined to quit.

At this point Robin rose, walked across the room and put her arm around her therapist whose despondency persisted. Many of the patients and staff members tried to cajole her into going on for more treatment but Robin remained adamant. It was quite a role reversal with the therapist crying and Robin comforting her.

A few days later the therapist found me in my office and said, "Something about Robin has changed. I think she can make it on her own as an outpatient after all." Indeed, Robin left the facility, attended recovery meetings and remained out of jail.

I wondered just what had worked for Robin and at a recovery meeting I heard her tell her story: she had been raised in several foster homes. "No one had ever really cared for me," she said. "I got to feel useless, a burden to everyone. I hated the world for treating me like a worthless piece of junk.

"I didn't believe anyone could care for me. When my therapist cried over my refusal to go for long term treatment, worrying about what might happen to me, it was the first time in my life that anyone ever really cared about what might happen to me. I couldn't believe her feelings were for real and for a while I continued to test her sincerity. When I realized her caring was genuine it gave me hope that maybe the world was not as cruel or uncaring as I thought."

Robin's therapist cared for her and not only within the artifice of the therapist patient connection. Caring for another is a gift, showing that feeling is a good deed. The connection that results from this sharing of feeling forms an unbreakable bond. Caring starts with just one hand put out there toward another. It's an antidote to isolation and brings as much spiritual joy to the "carer" as it does to the "caree."


Be Prepared For Complaints
From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By: Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press

One of my students told me:

I can’t believe it. Before I was devoted to helping others, very few people had complaints against me. It seems that the more I do for others, the more that people are upset with me. Those I help, complain, "Why aren’t you doing more?" Those I am unable to help complain, "How come you help other people and not me?" Those who are angry with me for various reasons tell me, "You feel that just because you help people you don’t have to live up to other obligations."

When you devote your life to helping others, you are likely to arouse envy, animosity, and resentment. The needs of the people you help can be so great that they will be angry you aren’t helping them even more than you are. Your energy, time, and other resources are limited, so those you don’t help might feel resentful that you do more for others than you do for them.

Some people will be envious of the good you do. In order to feel better about themselves, they will find it easier to put you down than to do more themselves. They are likely to challenge your motivations:

• "He only helps others because of his overblown ego."

• "She only helps those whom she feels will help her."

• "He wants to get ahead politically so he does favors for others."

• "She only does kindness because she is compensating for feelings of inferiority."

Even if it isn’t true, cynical or envious people are likely to make these claims. Someone with mixed motives -- he wants to help others and he does enjoy honor -- is likely to feel more hurt about this than someone whose motivations are pure. But anyone who has a sensitive nature can feel hurt.

Being criticized is part of the price one pays for helping others. This elevates you: You are willing to personally suffer in order to do acts of kindness for others. Acknowledge the truth of a complaint and it will be easier to tolerate.

• "Yes. I should do a lot more than I am doing. I’m sorry that I’m limited."

• "I acknowledge that I am only doing a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done."

• "I agree that it would be wonderful if I were doing more than I am."

• "Yes. I am inconsistent. But I feel it’s better to continue doing the good that I’m doing than to consistently do nothing for others."

One of my students explained:

I remember how shocked I was when someone whom I’ve helped greatly told me off in great anger, "You aren’t there for me enough when I really need you. O.K., so you did help me before but what about lately!"

After this I heard about being prepared for such occurrences. The next time someone I had helped attacked me for not doing enough for them, I was mentally ready to answer with true compassion, "I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me. I see how much you’ve suffered. It’s really rough."

The amazing thing is that when I said this with sincere concern, the person’s anger subsided and I received an apology. My response was, "That’s all right. I understand the pressure you were under." We parted with good feelings.

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