KIND WORDS
Don’t Use Your Kindness As A Weapon

From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By: Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press

Have you ever heard a remark like this:

"I have done so much for you already. You are a rotten person for not doing what I want you to do now. You would be nothing without me, do you realize that? If I would have known that you would fail to repay me in kind, I wouldn’t have done for you all that I have done. As much as you could possibly do for me, it’s minor in comparison with what I have done for you."

Some people use their kindness as a weapon. When they are angry towards others they have helped, they attack those people with the kindness they have done for them.

Never use the good you have done for someone as an offensive weapon. Once you have done the good, it’s ancient history. You have gained eternally from the spiritual benefits of your kindness. Don’t destroy your merit by trying to destroy a person you have helped.

If you want to use a past kind act as leverage to motivate someone to help you, do so with respect and dignity. Some people will not bring up past kindnesses even if someone refuses to help them. If, however, you do feel a need to mention a past kindness, don’t even imply that you regret your kind deed. The value of that good you have done is too precious to be negated.

Some people you have helped might be embarrassed to be reminded of this in the future. If this is possible, be sensitive to the feelings of those people and don’t even hint at your having been their benefactor in the past.

I heard this story from on of my students:

Someone told me that he once witnessed an elderly man, who was the head of a charitable organization, being berated by someone he had helped greatly a number of years earlier. The angry person kept yelling and shouting insults. The kind man remained silent and just apologized for having been the source of this person’s being upset.

He later asked that elderly gentleman, "You did so much for this person. Why didn’t you remind him of what you did for him? Perhaps that would have calmed him down."

"First of all," he replied, "this person had a need to vent his angry feelings. I don’t take such things personally. He suffers a lot and I was glad to be able to help him let off steam. Secondly, once I do something for someone, I prefer not to remind him of it. He doesn’t owe me anything for what I have done."

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