How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program
By Dave Barry

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the
software. It should look some-thing like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
===================
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-
shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5 inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the
Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive,
as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it
or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the
dawn's early light, ... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks
you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Oops!! Remember to turn the computer on, you dum-dum!!!.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
  +---------+ +----------+
  |   YES   | |   SURE   |
  +---------+ +----------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
whirring for a very long time while the installation program does
who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer
has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food
processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard
drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names
like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you
should immediately swear, like this: "*!@!$)$%@*^)$*!#$_$" <mailto:*!
@!$)$%&amp;*^)$*!#$_$>; !!!

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck
with spending deficits.

12. Lastly, call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number
listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who
will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a
child aged 3 through 12!!!!

Proves the value of a disposable email account.


----- Original Message -----
From: "Why Would You Ever Pay" <ftp@...>
To: <Windows_humor@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Sunday, September 03, 2006 5:54 AM
Subject: [Windows_humor] Got Spam?


> http://ph.groups.yahoo.com/group/Windows_humor/photos/view/218c?b=7
>
> I swear this is a real screen shot. check it out.
>
>
>
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>
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>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
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>
>
>
>

http://ph.groups.yahoo.com/group/Windows_humor/photos/view/218c?b=7

I swear this is a real screen shot. check it out.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They've declared "darkness" a standard.

The Night Before Startup


'Twas the night before startup
and all through the house
not a program was working,
there clicked not a mouse

The users were nestled all snug in their beds
with visions of systems alive in their heads.
The programmers slumped round their screens in despair
and felt that a miracle now would be fair.

Then from the back office there rose such a chatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
and there to my marveling eyes did appear
a wonder programmer with a six pack of beer.

His resume glowed with experience so rare
he turned out great code with that bit-pusher's flair.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code like a sitcom berserk.

A wink of his eye and a nod of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
More smoothly than salesmen his programs they come;
he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On update, on add, on inquire and delete,
on batch jobs, on closing on functions complete.
His eyes all glazed over, hands nimble and lean,
  from long days and nights spent in front of a screen.

He tapped and he hammered, he nothing did shirk,
turning specs into code; then he turned with a smirk,
and laying his finger upon Enter key,
the system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, the deletes all deleted,
the inquiries inquired and the closing completed.
He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
and with nary an append it all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
the client’s last changes were even included.
Then the user explained in apocalypt font,
"It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want."


How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again.

Software Testing is not politically Correct.

NEW YORK -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's
watch list of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products." said Ken Grandola,
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are
available"

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and
arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees
are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside
sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day the are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They
spend the whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore".

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist." he said, citing industry
giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful
without resorting to software testing.

Microsoft Tech Support Saves the Day

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a
couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle
airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his
instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.
After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the
passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog
appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the
fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and
shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker
replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275
degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway
of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine
as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the
pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he
gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that
must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a
while away."

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