As a humorous account, my buddy Harry wrote the following text
in response to a posting in pdx.singles asking what I did.

Just passing it along for a bit of humor -- it doesn't get all the
facts straight, so I'm not endorsing this as canonical, mind you.

==================== snip

>I've already said that I'm socially ignorant in a previous posting at one
>time, but can someone please tell me what exactly happened in 1995? I
>remember hearing something about it, but I don't remember exactly what all
>happened.... ?

I realize you were still in elementary school. :) But here goes:

Once upon a time a big rich company thought it might not be very
secure in how it handled it's computers. so they went out into the
forrest (silicon forrest) and found a Wizard who kindly said he would
come and help the Large, rich, wealthy and entirely stupid Company- to
secure or at least restrict the un-lawful use of their company
computers. He worked and cast spells and removed demons and worked
potions until he thought he had gathered together all the loose ends
the Big Wealthy company had just left lying around so that any Evil
Dwarf might steal them. Then, in an effort to make sure he had gotten
them all, the kindly Wizard cast a spell and created a Homunculus that
he gave the power to try and get in past his spells and Potions. This
it did. and it tried and it tried and it tried and the potions and
spells logged all these attempts and the Wizard cast new spells and
new Potions were made. And the Homunculus tried again and again.
All was going good until the companies Department head thought to
himself, if the wizard does real well I might be out of a job? So he
went searching for signs that the Wizard was using BLACK MAGIC to cure
the problem. Sure enough, the Homunculus looked a great deal like a
BLACK MAGIC program once written by an EVIL DWARF!
So the Department head screamed in his bosses ear, the wizard is a
BLACK MAGICIAN he shall surely bring information to our enemies.
But the truth was, the Wizard was a kindly and thoughtful Wizard. He
just wasn't thinking about the paranoia that runs in Persons of Power
Positions known as Department Heads.
So, the Thought Police came and told the Wizard- Go out from here oh
iniquitous one and sojourn far from this place. And the Wizard said,
sure. Then, when he had cleaned out his desk, he thought, oh no, I
forgot to clear off all my spells and Potions and to put the
Homunculus to sleep. So he did a few spells and incantations from his
Home and cleared up his work. But the Department Head had put HIS
incantations on the Company and saw the workings of the Kindly Wizard.
He flew into a rage and cried aloud -"Even from home he doth try to
take my job!" and smote his breast and tore out his hair. Then he
rushed with the evidence of the Kindly Wizards workings from home to
the Head of the Security department who took it to the FBI a large
organization of Buffoons and Clowns who think they know much, but also
can't find their ass with both hands (just ask Mr. Cooper of Peru).
And they thought, AH HA! We shall make an example of this Wizard so
that no other Wizard shall dare to do what he has done. So they
Arrested him, charged him and tried and convicted him on charges that
most Judges couldn't understand, much less figure out if what he had
done was illegal. But Convicted he was and the FBI was happy, the
Security Chief was happy, the Department Head was happy (till he lost
his job) and the company found a way to keep from paying it's fees to
the Wizard, who lost lots of money, personal status, and now carries a
tag calling him a Felon. But for all this trouble, the kindly wizard
made lots of friends who think him the best of all Kindly Wizards.
The Company still has enough holes to make a Swiss cheese envious and
the FBI still can't find it's ass with both hands, even when the NSA
(another large ineffectual organization which spends lots of money
without showing anything for it) Helps out.
The Moral of this story:
When you become a true Wizard oh little Apprentice, get it in writing
what the Big, Wealthy Company is paying you to do and what you have
permission to do to make them secure. Oh, And learn to tell Department
managers to go fuck themselves.

--
Randal L. Schwartz - Stonehenge Consulting Services, Inc. - +1 503 777 0095
<merlyn@...> <URL:http://www.stonehenge.com/merlyn/>
Perl/Unix/security consulting, Technical writing, Comedy, etc. etc.
See PerlTraining.Stonehenge.com for onsite and open-enrollment Perl training!